Joke of the Day
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Two Irish engineers Patrick and Seamus were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.
A blonde woman walked by and asked what they were doing.
"We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole," said Patrick, "but we don't have a ladder."
The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts and laid the pole down.
She then took a tape-measure from her pocket, measured the flagpole, said, "Five metres," and went on her way.
Seamus shook his head and laughed. "Isn't that typical of a blonde! We ask for the height and she gives us the length!
A blonde woman walked by and asked what they were doing.
"We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole," said Patrick, "but we don't have a ladder."
The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts and laid the pole down.
She then took a tape-measure from her pocket, measured the flagpole, said, "Five metres," and went on her way.
Seamus shook his head and laughed. "Isn't that typical of a blonde! We ask for the height and she gives us the length!
Chemist walks back into his shop after a short break and sees a man leaning against the wall.
"What's wrong with him?" he asks his assistant
"He came in for cough syrup but I couldn't find any so I gave him an entire bottle of laxatives" replied the assistant.
"You idiot" exclaims the chemist, "you can't treat a cough with laxatives"
"Of course you can" replies the assistant, "look at him, he's too freaking scared to cough"
"What's wrong with him?" he asks his assistant
"He came in for cough syrup but I couldn't find any so I gave him an entire bottle of laxatives" replied the assistant.
"You idiot" exclaims the chemist, "you can't treat a cough with laxatives"
"Of course you can" replies the assistant, "look at him, he's too freaking scared to cough"
Paulster2
I am El Taco!
RCD
Glencairn Drone
my dad says that joke alot!
Lee
Well-Known Member
Wife's Diary:Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner.
I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.
Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong;He said, 'Nothing..' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset.He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.
On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving.I can't explain his behaviour I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.'
When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore.He just sat there quietly, and watched TV.He continued to seem distant and absent.Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed.
About 15 minutes later, he came to bed.But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else.He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else.My life is a disaster.
Husband's Diary: The heli wouldn't start, can't figure it out.
I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.
Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong;He said, 'Nothing..' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset.He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.
On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving.I can't explain his behaviour I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.'
When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore.He just sat there quietly, and watched TV.He continued to seem distant and absent.Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed.
About 15 minutes later, he came to bed.But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else.He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else.My life is a disaster.
Husband's Diary: The heli wouldn't start, can't figure it out.
A man boarded an aircraft at London 's Heathrow Airport for New York , and taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane.
He realised she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo - she took the seat right beside him.
"Hello", he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"
She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States ."
He swallowed hard.
Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for Nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"
"Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
"Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?"
"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American Men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.
Another popular myth is That French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent.
We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish."
Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," She said. "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you; I don't even know your name!"
"Tonto," the man said. "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy."
He realised she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo - she took the seat right beside him.
"Hello", he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"
She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States ."
He swallowed hard.
Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for Nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"
"Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
"Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?"
"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American Men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.
Another popular myth is That French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent.
We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish."
Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," She said. "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you; I don't even know your name!"
"Tonto," the man said. "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy."
THE BROKEN LAWN MOWER
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of
first, the truck, the car, playing golf; always something more important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.
I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, 'When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.'
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of
first, the truck, the car, playing golf; always something more important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.
I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, 'When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.'
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
'Not a chance,' says the husband, 'it is 3:00 in the morning!'. He slams the door and returns to bed.
'Who was that?' asked his wife.
'Just some drunk guy asking for a push,' he answers.
'Did you help him?' she asks.
'No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!'
'Well, you have a short memory,' says his wife. 'Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us?
I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!'
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, 'Hello, are you still there?'
'Yes,' comes back the answer.
'Do you still need a push?' calls out the husband (soaking wet).
'Yes, please!' comes the reply from the dark.
'Where are you?' asks the husband..
'Over here on the swing!' replied the drunk.
'Not a chance,' says the husband, 'it is 3:00 in the morning!'. He slams the door and returns to bed.
'Who was that?' asked his wife.
'Just some drunk guy asking for a push,' he answers.
'Did you help him?' she asks.
'No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!'
'Well, you have a short memory,' says his wife. 'Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us?
I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!'
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, 'Hello, are you still there?'
'Yes,' comes back the answer.
'Do you still need a push?' calls out the husband (soaking wet).
'Yes, please!' comes the reply from the dark.
'Where are you?' asks the husband..
'Over here on the swing!' replied the drunk.